Stewarding Purity

I really struggled to write this because I didn't want to come off as entitled or that I think I am "holier than thou" because of how I'm choosing to live. This tale is not all from the past, it is the path I am currently walking on. So be patient with me, I know I don't have this all figured out. It is because God put it on my heart that I'm writing this, so here I go. Welcome to the process of my redemption story.

I am not a virgin. I don't feel shame, but I do feel regret. I believe that God has a "One" for me, and that my virginity was something I was meant to save for him. Not out of obligation, rather as a gift. A physical expression of us belonging only to each other, holding value for each other's hearts long before we ever met. But, as I stated at the beginning of this paragraph: I am not a virgin. My future marriage will not begin in quite to same way I had always dreamed of in my Christian youth.
Just because I've lost my literal purity doesn't mean I'm going to continue to live that old kind of lifestyle. I can choose to rise up above where I have been and walk instead in a renewed purity. Purity is mine for the taking now that I have been made anew in Christ, but what I'm learning is that a transformation like this doesn't happen over night. In order to actually become this new creation, I have to steward the portion of purity I've been gifted in order grow it into the fullness of purity I'm wanting to walk in. This stewarding involves more than "I won't have sex with anyone today". It means choosing honor daily, checking in with my heart consistently, and everyone's favorite: self control. I feel like I'm making this sound like it's super simple and easy, so I'll just clarify and say that it is so not a walk in the park. It's complicated and challenging and sometimes mistakes happen. The journey of restoring purity means getting to know our true selves and learning how to take care of this new self. The mess of this process lets us know that it is real. The destination will be great, but what does it mean if we just showed up there?

Let me take you into a bit of my journey. At the beginning of this year, I thought that I had to shut down that part of my heart that wanted to be in a relationship in order to walk in purity. I thought that the only way to make myself "holy" was to focus solely on God and shove my desire for love into a time capsule labeled "Open When Married." As I progressed through my process, I realized that I can instead direct these feelings onto paper. About two months ago I started a husband journal. It is, as I describe in said journal,  "a collection of notes, letters, poems and prayers written to my one true love." This journal has been deemed by other people as "obsessive" and "unhealthy for my heart". However, the people who have made these comments made them before they knew what my true intentions were. So here are my intentions. My heart behind this journal is have a place to express these lovey feelings. I've realized that it isn't good for me to try and suppress what my heart is feeling, so when my heart starts to fill with this kind of emotion I am able to direct it into the funnel of this journal. It's a way I get to honor that man I'm not even in relationship with yet. This is how I'm holding value for not only my husband's heart, but mine as well. 

I used to walk around heavy with shame from having lost my virginity before marriage. I saw myself as less-than. I fought with the belief that I was not as worthy of love and would be a disappointment to my future husband. I have brought myself out of that place through love. The love I have received from God yes, but also the love I have received from myself. Loving myself how I am right now allowed me to receive the lifestyle of purity God was extending towards me.
So if you take anything away from this mess of a blog post, let it be this: Your past doesn't have to define your future. You get to choose the kind of life you want to live because everything and anything is available to us through the Kingdom. That's what I'm doing. I've chosen to live in the newness Christ has restored in me and you can too. It's just sitting there waiting for you to take a hold of it.